The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lnaky, bow-legged cowboy walked in.
Cowboy: “Who owns the big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger replied. “I do, why?”
Cowboy: “You better take care of him. He’s almost dead from the heat.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting.
The Lone Ranger: “Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better.”
Tonto began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar.
Cowboy: “Who owns that big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger: “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”
Cowboy: “Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin.”
* * *
Guy at the bar goes for a piss, while he’s pissing, in comes a black guy who whaps out a massive dong. The white guy asks him how he got it. The black guy says “Every night I tie a piece of cord round the bell end and pull it tight for five minutes”. The white guy thanks him and leaves. The two meet up in the same toilets six months later. “How you doin’ with the dick?” says the black guy. “Excellent,” says his new buddy, “look it’s nearly all black.”
* * *
Two flies walk into a bar, order drinks and start talking.
The first fly: “How was your travel down here?”
The second fly: “It was cold I rode in a bikers mustache. How was yours?”
The first fly: “I was warm I rode in a biker chicks’ pussy. You ought to do it next year.”
So a year passes and the same two flies met in the same bar.
The first fly: “Did you do it?”
The second fly: “Yes, but some how I still showed up in a biker’s mustache.”

* * *
A cowboy walks into a saloon bar and orders a large bourbon. Finishing his drink, he turns to the face the guy playing the piano, takes out his gun, shoots the music papers into the air, shoots the guys hat off and finally shoots the lid down trapping the poor guys fingers, before a flash spin with the gun and puts it back in its holster. “Brilliant shooting,” says the bartender, “mind if I look at your gun.” Another flashy spin brings the gun into the bartenders hands. “Nice tool, but if I were you I would file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle, make it all nice and smooth.” “What the hell for?” asks the cowboy. “Well see that piano player,” says the bartender, “he is Billy The Kid, and when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun up your fucking arse”
* * *
After a rather wet night the bartender asks Bruce, who’s lying on the floor “Would you like a chair there?” “No, I’m okay standing, thanks.”

* * *
There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish, if you lie - poof it swallows you up.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror and the redhead goes first. She says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth.” Poof- the mirror swallows her up. The brunette says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth.” Poof - the mirror swallows her up. Last the blonde says “I think…” Poof!!!
* * *
A guy walks in a bar and order’s two house specials. The barkeep say’s were all out of Heineken, would he likes some Bud. The guy say’s “Yes”. Ten minutes later Bud comes out the bathroom with two full glasses.
* * *
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and asks the barman “Have you seen my brother?”. The barman asks “What does he look like?”.
* * *
A guy walks into a bar carrying a kitten in his hand. The bartender immediately tells him that he can’t have the kitten in the bar. The guy apologizes, but asked if he could keep the cat and have just one drink, and leave. The bartender agreed, and after the guy drank his beer, he turned to leave. Stopping him the bartender asked “Out of curiosity, why do you have a kitten with you?” The guy replied “Beer always taste better when you’ve got a little pussy.”
* * *
A guy walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her.
Guy: “Would you like to dance?”
Girl: “I really don’t like this song. And even if I did I wouldn’t dance with you.”
Guy replies: “I don’t think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants.”